Dead and Alive AGAIN!

Assalamu alakum,

1O November 2005, the day I died and lived again. The last thing I remember of my first death is a song by Moushumi Bhoumik- Spono Dekhbo bole. As the song played on and on, I went to a deep slumber. As every moment passed, all I prayed was Allah forgive me…I didn’t feel I was doing a cowardly act, neither did I feel I was being strong. I didn’t think of anyone, because the feeling that the one I loved most is going far, far away made me feel helpless. I wanted to end the pain. The pain that I had been suffering in this hostile world. In all my years that I lived in the first stage of my life, I have had made beloved friends, aquittances and family members who gave me immense joy but still my sorrows were my own. People were ready to listen to me but not touch my pain.

I once had a dream: I felt Bhabna was standing in front of me in white. I extended my hands to touch her bosoms but instead my hands went past the Jamdani, penetrating her skin, bone, cartilage and into her heart. I felt a softness like snow. And even in my dream I could feel the sensation of touching ‘purity’. Bhabna always told me, “I love your eyes, because they desperately try to hide so much, yet fail so miserably”.

Despite all we said and felt, we were drifting apart. My coffin was sealed long before I met her, but the final nail was about to seal the wooden case and I simply could not bear the thought.

The hours that I was on a life supporting machine, having a IV of some #$^% strong medication, I was in a trans. I never really did believe in the near death experience and I can not say I have experienced one. I was not aware whether I was dead or alive. It was a peaceful silence.

Sudden bright light! Almost blinded me. It took me a while to realize where I was. The woman in white trying to fix something of my IV saline made it pretty clear that she wasn’t the angel of Paradise and I was pretty sure that angels of Hell doesn't seem so caring. As soon as she left, I was once again on the lose trying to take off all that was connected into my body. Life still seemed too painful to bear.

The next day, I regained full consciousness and the first person I saw was “Bublee” It was then for the first time, that I realized life is worth leaving. I was certain life was worth living…painful yes…yet worth living. Even the peaceful silence of that transition between conscious and semiconscious state, or life and comma can not be compared to the tranquility of seeing bublee’s face.

Praise be to Allah who has given this sinner life time and time again. Glory be to the lord for showing me the true beauty of this world. And Glory be to him for reminding….

“Which of the favours of your lord will ye deny?” (Surah Ar Rahamn. Chapter 55.)

Signing off

Bhabuk